1. Guys wey no dey ask any question about you, like who even care. You no be Chris Evans and I no be Jimmy Fallon. E dey clear, abi? So why you dey answer all my questions like na interview be this, instead of you asking me question, wey be date supposed mean say you go care about who I be, why?
2. When we dey talk and e dey look him phone. Ehn, “Sorry, I no know say you be King of Nothing wey get plenty subjects wey dey need your reply while I dey tell you about my grandma wey die last year. Abeg!!!”
3. Guys wey no dey laugh at all. I sabi say some babes dey do am too but wetin be dis??? I no expect say everybody for this world go find me funny, but guys wey no dey laugh at all or just dey laugh like say na kitten sneeze wey escape their mouth, e dey baffle me. Plus, if you no dey laugh for anything I talk, I go feel say you dey hate me or you dey hate fun, and either way, e no sweet.
4. Guys wey dey look anywhere but your direction when you dey talk to them. E go fit be small funny if e no dey mad. Like, you dey check somebody behind me? Or your eye wey dey give you wahala and you dey try adjust am? Or you just no fit look me more than 30 seconds? Anyway, call me crazy but if we dey chill, e go make sense if you fit look me small.
5. Guys wey no fit stop to dey talk about one thing wey no go matter. E good say you love your job or Crossfit or your Wii, but if na one “who cares” hobby you get and zero interest outside that, e go vex me. If I love Crossfit too, fine, make we dey talk am. But if I no love am and na Crossfit be your only source of talk, I don die. I dead.
6. Guys wey dey smell like dem don jam shower matter. I sabi say everybody body dey smell different and no body be perfect, but we don all go out with that guy wey go just dey waka like, “Hygiene? Which hygiene? I too lazy to bath, LOL,” and you go just wan run comot because e dey smell like feral cat wey dem dump for trash. E dey sad well well too because e be like, “We fit jom if you just take five minutes wash your dirty body.”
7. When im talk say “You no be like other girls because _____.” Wetin go fill that blank na always some bad talk because wetin you dey talk? “Most girls” no dey funny or cool or smart or dey enjoy comic books wey you dey try use commend me? Because make I tell you, all my friends be all dem things wey I be, and you dey sound like you no get sense now.
8. When im dey ask you make you hang out with am and him friends, but e no make any effort to include you. So you go just dey wonder if this guy even dey like you, and dey try talk to him guy friends wey no even sabi wetin you dey do there.
9. When im dey call him ex “crazy.” Like, bro, we sabi say if you dey call your ex crazy, e fit mean say you dey call all women crazy at some point (meaning you go one day call us crazy) and we no go wan relate with you after you talk this one.
10. When e no send at all about how e look. Nobody perfect, but I sabi plenty guys wey dey wear stained T-shirts wey dem get as gift when dem dey 13, and e no get any meaning, dey talk some nonsense like “Corporate FunRun 2008” when e no even run that FunRun, and e no dey wear am ironically. Na just T-shirt and dem no care, wey dey usually show for their bad-fitting jeans and janky New Balance dad sneakers wey laces dey barely tie.E be fine if you no like fashion or you wan just be yourself, but guys wey no fit care about how dem go present for date (especially when women dey do plenty prep) no dey okay.
11. Long, dirty nails. Nooooo. E no just dey gross but your chance for my body with your dirty animal claws just drop go negative zero.
12. When he dey list all di movies/books/music wey him like, and no woman dey for di list. Or he go mention one woman out of 50 men and e be like, “Beyoncé,” and you dey 98 percent sure say he just drop am there make e look like he dey like “girl stuff,” wey wey make am even worse. Art wey women make na di best, how you no fit sabi dis?
